Third Kid

2004-07-12T20:31:00.000-05:00

Who Knew?

Check out: Http://midchildsublet.blogspot.com/

You'll be surprised (but not as surprised as I am).

2003-04-03T10:58:00.000-06:00

Six months. Heh.

My love for blogging has been waning in the recent weeks for several reasons; I've thought of this for a while and you know what? I'm just going to do it. So goodbye, dear blog, you were useful for a phase, but I have decided to move on.

Perhaps one day I'll return (never fully shut the door, I say), but for the long stretch, consider this site "Closed For Internal Repairs."

2003-03-29T23:38:00.000-06:00

"Got to open my eyes to everything."

So Schooby passes on a piece of music for my ears to listen to; you know what? It is good. Very, very good. Evanescence is certainly crawling up the charts thus held in my brain for these purposes.

I hate losing in tennis when I know its in my ability and in my partner's ability to win. For some reason, we couldn't get our act together enough today to win when we should have. Lucky for us, we're playing U of D once again next weekend, so we'll have a second shot in doing it right. One and all, you are now invited to see a little tennis booty-kicking, I promise, it'll be good. (BTW, Saturday, 2 pm)

Had an interesting conversation with Juergens during a particular lull in the day. I tried to fight it, but for some reason, the man suckered me into talking about farting. Don't ask, don't tell. It was ridiculous and he had me laughing so bad that if I wasn't sitting on the ground already, I would have fallen off my seat. What is it with guys and not getting that girls consider it gross? Oddly enough, we just passed over the subject in Microbiology, so I was able to give him some 'official' terms, so help me... geez, it was stupid. So stupid. He's so fun.

Eating at Applebee's this evening with the team, four of us sitting at the same table faced a problem. One of the people there wanted to order a *virgin* mudslide; the rest of us warned them that we're not allowed to do that, even if it lacks the alcohol, because it's all about appearances sake. We agreed not to drink when attending LU (even though it is in an incredibly vague contract, from what I've heard and seen), thus we should definitely not be drinking in a public setting (particularly wearing LU Tennis hoodies at the time - last name and all). It was decided that the drink would simply go in a 'to go' cup, but the waiter posed a problem. First, a mudslide without the alcohol? Simply a milkshake. Two, when the order was switched to a virgin strawberry daqueri (in the same to go cup), we were told that was impossble due to TABC (Texas Alcohol & Beverage Commissioner, for those who don't know) rules. There was a quick discussion where the rest of us advised that it was probably not the best idea to go through with it. Hence, no drink. Heh. Long story, I know. Anyway, this all led to some interesting discussion about people's opinions on alcohol consumption and the such. Hmm.

I can understand why the administration bans drinking on campus, as in when students are attending school during the actual semesters. First, some people can't control their behavior when it comes to that (and some of them still don't, contract be screwed in their opinion); second, this school, as an institution, is intent on keeping up proper appearances. Students getting drunk in Applebee's after a tennis match, well, that doesn't work well in that direction. But what if we're at home, surrounded by only family members? New Year's Eve, anyone? Personally, I think that tends more to personal conviction. I have no opinion inside of me that alcohol is inherently bad, though the overconsumption of it is. Eh, enough said about that, I suppose. Just something on my mind.

Let's not discuss the ban on dancing now, shall we?

I sigh.

2003-03-25T10:48:00.000-06:00

Okay, for some reason I just haven't had the urge to update lately. I'm not sure what it is, but maybe it's not worth enough to bother questioning. Eh.

But I'm here now, so that's gotta say something. I just finished making yogurt over in micro lab; lots of fun to be had, I tell you. I have every intention of bringing some fun stuff to class on Thursday so we have can have a good time munching out. I feel slightly silly for having told Dr. J on his 40th birthday what the number 41 is considered in Mexico. So far, he keep on joking that he won't have a birthday next year based on the revelation I made. Needless to say, I have no intention of telling anymore what it means (Sorry, Schooby & Johnny, you would only be grossly offended). Anyway, I've gotta learn to keep my mouth shut.

The tennis team got mauled by Mississippi College last weekend, which didn't come as much of a shocker. Our team is more than decent, but we were up against the number on in the conference; sometimes the Goliath just doesn't go down, you know? Or maybe we just aren't David. Probably both. No big thing, though. We're going to U of D this weekend, I'm sure we'll have a better shot there. Oh, I have to shudder here, just remembering what one of the girls looked like with a too-deep tan. There's such a thing as TOO DANG MUCH, honey. Think about it.

Last week felt like three stuffed into one. It's weird to think that just seven days ago around this time, my mom showed up with my niece and nephew. There was so much in there, returning from Chicago, getting a family visit, taking a micro test, taking a elementary stats test (that class must die a slow, cruel death, ugh), attending an IMPACT retreat as well as the MC match... it was so long. Oh, yeah, and my birthday was in there, too. On Sunday, I just looked back and marveled at just how much had happened; Chicago feels light years away right now. I already feel disconnected from it all, which is more than slightly disappointing, because it was something that I enjoyed more than I expected. What's even more disheartening is that due to the the U of D match, I'm going to miss the debriefing and the opportunity to hang out with my team. Kerri's already demanded that I skip the match, but what can you do?

Lots of random thoughts today.

RSF # 14 I miss Chicago. (Who knew the small town girl would moan over the big city?) Or maybe I just miss the people, just can't figure it out.

2003-03-22T02:42:00.000-06:00

I should be in bed now, seeing as its so late and I have a long day ahead of me, but it's just not happening so far. But you know what? I think I'm okay with that.

Thsi isnt' the long blog that I promsied myself I'd write, it's simply an in between place that I can spend time in until my roomie vacates the shower and I can go in to get cleaned up from the mess I made this evening. In either case, I'm here, finally, after being back at school for nearly a week. Hmm... what to say...

Chicago? Was incredible. There were so many factors working together in that week, I don't know where to begin. I met people whose stories blew me away and left me reeling over the fact that just because the mighty me was on a misison trip, God could so very easily minister to me through those I had conversations with, no matter what their background was, different from what I am used to seeing or not. The team basically came a sort of jack of all trades, running around doing all sorts of things, like tutoring sixth graders to fixing up dinner for the women of the shelter to do carpentry work in the house that BreakThrough Ministires was moving into. I didn't realize, for one thing, that we were being added on to a very well situated and awesome ministry. It wasn't like we were setting up little VBS's for children who had never heard the word of God or building a church. There are hundreds of churches in Chicago, there are thousands of chidlren who first need to know that someone on this earth cares enough about them to hound them about their homework. It was through those things, these established areas that we could jump in and throw ourselves into the work. What's so spiritual about sorting clothes for a homeless shelter? Well, depends on how you look at it. If you're simply laughing at the hideous style pile, well... not much. But when you think about how a woman is going to be easily provided for when she needs a dress for Easter so she can visit with her kids... hmm. Makes you think. Makes you realize that you're a small part of something so much bigger than you, so much more complex and it's weird to think that God knows about every single little piece of it all, right on down to the thoughts we're having. It's mind-boggling, I tell you, simply mind-boggling.

It helped that my team completely kicked arse. Oh, my goodness, I felt wonderful around them. I'll leave it at that for now, because I'm dead tired, but wow. I know that I strain from doing the whole smacking people with God through my blog, but goodness... he so incredibly blessed us with a unique unity and rampart. Wow. Just wow. I will always remember this trip for so many great things.

(More later.. too tired and the roomie is out of the shower!)

2003-03-20T23:08:00.000-06:00

Okay, not today either. Probably Sunday.

2003-03-19T21:53:00.000-06:00

So much to say, but no time at all. Maybe tomorow.

BTW, Happy Birthday to me!

2003-03-06T11:23:00.000-06:00

In the center of the city comes the illusion of the day -Caedmon's Call, Masquerade

Oddly fitting lyrics considering where I'm leaving for tomorrow night, don't you think?

I was walking back to my room today when I saw those little white flowers growing on the pear trees outside. As ugly as those things end up smelling, it made me happy to realize that winter is leaving and spring drifting in. It'll be nice to come home to in a week and a half.

2003-03-03T22:14:00.000-06:00

Because I'll never hold a picture of the whole horizon in my view. -Great Are You, downhere

I heard that in Bri's car the other night and was reminded that I hadn't busted out my downhere cd in a while, so I'm giving it a listen as I type. It's a good song that reminds me of a John Mayer one that I particularly love, because Mayer's lines say Didn't have a camera by my side this time, hoping I would see the world with both my eyes (3x5) You really have to listen to the whole song to get it. I've always loved to take pictures, I have hundreds accumulated in my room, but I can't seem to get them in any order. Anyway, it was kind of poignant because ealier that same evening, while the Big Bash was winding down, I'd gone up to the second floor of the education buildign and stared out two separate windows as I sat there, eating a burger. I'd look out one window for a while then switch my view to the other, back and forth, back and forth. What can I say, Texas has amazing sunsets.

Today skies are painted colors of a cowboy's cliche'. And strange how clouds that look like mountains in the sky are next to mountains anyway Sorry, a Mayer moment.

Lynn and I had our first 'Lynn and Samantha Everwood Night'. To be honest, it may be the last, but I thought a title with a nice ring to it would be fitting. It wasn't all that bad, though we were both grossly offended when one of the guys said to a surgeon that he liked knowing a guy who "fixed God's mistakes". What the...? Bad writers! Bad, BAD HEATHEN WRITERS! Blah on them. It was actually kind of funny when Bri kept walking in and out, giving a running comment on who Amy should end up with. First she complained about the boyfriend who was in a coma who'd been mean to her, said to move on from him to one of the main characters (Ephram?) because he brought her board games to play with when she was waiting in the hospital (coma boyfriend was in surgery, ya know). Exactly how do you move on from someone who isn't even conscious? Easily, really, I guess. Then she started suggesing that Amy should fall in love with the blond guy who 'fessed up to being the driving the truck that turned mean boyfriend into coma boyfriend. She kind of had to stop when I reminded her that blond guy was Amy's brother.

Yes, sir, that was the rundown of tonight's Everwood. I really don't have much to say. I'm grasping at straws here.

Eh, I'm going to sleep.

2003-03-01T23:19:00.000-06:00

I think Matthew Perry is hilarious, but dang it, Serving Sara was a ridiculous movie. And the ending! Goodness, that was a waste of time.

I spent the morning holding a car wash sign over next to Chik-Fil-A in hopes of enticing people to get their cars cleaned by students going on mission trips next week. It wasn't all that bad, really; I remembered seeing all these little kids over the years holding signs and knowing I'd never seen them again, most likely the people passing by me wouldn't give me a second thought. That in mind, I danced around to my heart's content on the side of the road and generally made a fool out of myself, grinning like an idiot towards anyone I saw really well through a car window and showing off the sign in any way I could.

Katie got propositioned though, yeah, that was creepy. Ew.

Got to hang out with Lily tonight, which was fun. For all those who don't know, Lily isn't a frail little girl with blond ringlets, he's actually a bear of a guy that I love dearly, he's just so much fun. Not to mention the one person on campus who can pick me up and spin me around without breaking his back. What a sweetie. I think it's funny how in the guy's dorms, they just walk in and out of other people's rooms and sit around on the couches whether the person who lives there is in the room or not. Lily didn't particularly care in any case, but I asked a passerby if it was a common thing and she assured me that it was. That said, I chilled on Paul's sofa for twenty minutes without him in sight.

Watched Pleasantville. Ate a Crunch bar. Watched a stupid movie. Hung out with good friends. The night? Certainly a success.

2003-02-28T23:50:00.000-06:00

For some reasom, Blogger is taking its sweet time to put up my posts, I'm talking a six or seven hour lapse here. It's annoying.

________________________________________

2003-02-28T23:48:00.000-06:00

My life is plagued by mistakes, broken love, slaps in the face. But I'm trying to care, to dare to embrace your face. -Sixpence

Such a good tennis day; I was freeeeezing over at Louisiana College, but we got our stuff together to accomplish a shut-out. Can we get an applause for the LadyJackets Tennis team? I felt kind of bad, I only played doubles and the girls that April and I played were hardly a challenge. You could tell that they hadn't played tennis all that much, so, yeah... we kind of killed them. But in a good way. A winning kind of way. Oh, I'm mean. Look, tennis isn't a game where you give points away because you feel sorry for the other team, you play to win, end point.

The most interesting part of the evening was sitting down with one of my teammates and discussing just how mature our spiritual lives are; truly we concentrated on the fact that we don't feel that we have stuff together in our lives and have decided to do something about it. We're really good friends and it's a new direction that our friendship is taking, so I would really appreciate prayer over the both of us as we embark on our path of encouraging one another and trying to grow closer with the Lord.

You know, I mentioned it last week or so about how I didn't feel my blog was all that 'spritual' compared to others. The truth of that matter is, I just don't feel I have my things worked out at this point. It's odd, considering I'm leaving on a mission trip in a week (yikes! at this time in seven days, I'll be on the road! I just realized that...); it just seems that I'm so content to go my little own way until I'm smacked upside the head by God. Afterwards, I pay attention for, oh, a nanosecond then go back to my old ways I hate that. I despise that. I just can't seem to get away from it.

Anyway, the blog. I'm not about to come in here and slap on a spiritual hat for the satisfaction of all who read this. I don't want to put up a front for you guys; what I write here are mostly random thoughts that are just pilfering through my mind at weird times. Yes, I do pray, yes, I do talk to him during the day, but for the most part I don't walk around campus saying out loud and in my head, "Oh, God is so wonderful! Oh, I'm so blessed! I'm really feeling his presence right now and EVERY SECOND OF THE DAY!" It's not true and I'm not going to lie, there is no intention inside of me to convince you that I am a perfect Christian with the Lord always on the brain. I wish I were, but I'm not, so I won't place that lie on the computer screen for all to see.

All I can say is that I'm a work in progress; I just hope and pray it gets better, because I'm sick of this rut.

2003-02-27T12:28:00.000-06:00

This is so sad. When I was kid, Mr. Rogers was my absolute hero, I can't believe he's gone. Never knew he was a minister, either. It's a sad day.

RSF #13 I was a whacked out little kid; my first crush (when five or so) was on Mr. Rogers. My heart was smushed when I found out he had a wife, since she came on the show to play the piano.

2003-02-25T17:51:00.000-06:00

I'm frustrated beyond belief. Homework, teachers, coaches, stupid telephone systems, all of it.

You hear that screaming that is echoing all over campus? Yeah, that's me.

2003-02-24T20:59:00.000-06:00

Geez, I just realized how exhausted I am. That bed is looking really, really good right now.

My new best friend, the Kleenex box, will join me.

2003-02-24T20:00:00.000-06:00

So today was an interesting one at tennis.

I realized that I never named my tennis racket. After this revelation, I felt quite right with bestowing upon my oh-so-loyal racket the name Busby. What a great racket. I've had it for five years.

Stupid thing, it broke this past weekend. And I'm talking really badly, the frame is cracked, Busby is not salvageable at all.

*#@&

Stupid Busby. I mean, all I did to it over the past five years was play with Busby, hit tennis balls, hit walls (when I was frustrated), smack it against the ground (when I was disappointed), slam it on the fences (when I was annoyed). Hey, at least I never threw it, okay? All right, so Busby had every right to die; the way I treated him, he must have been 300 in tennis racket years.

Hence, we must start a fund, which I will call the Samantha Needs A New Racket Fund. Seeing as a decent racket will cost at least $110-150 bucks, well, I urge you all to reach deep into your hearts (and your wallets) in considering helping me out. :) Until then, I will continue using the borrowed racket, which I've named in advance as the El Cheapo Racket. Yeah, good luck to me using that.

OK, so Ben Dobbs is completely and totally on my nice guy list. April forgot to pack up pants for practice and she was freeeeeezing, so he whipped off his own and lent them to her. Get your minds out of the gutter, you perverts, he had shorts underneath. Anyway, I was muchly impressed by his act of chivalry, that Amanda is a lucky, lucky girl. I sigh. So nice.

I noticed today that there was stain on my hoodie. I think it was guacamole, which I had last night at dinner with my roomie. Mm, didn't realize this until halfway during the day. This hoodie so needs to get washed. Ah, but I love it so, so comfy, so warm. The hoodie makes me happy. Now if I could only get rid of this stupid cold that has been nagging me with full body sneezes for the past few days, everything would be great. Oh, and if the SNANR fund began to grow. And If I could date a guy half as nice as some of the guys on my list. Hmm, and if the Smallville writers would stop that stupid love-triangle crap that it has going on lately. That's all, really. Am I asking for too much?

2003-02-24T12:02:00.000-06:00

Would you want me when I'm not myself? Wait it out while I am someone else? Suppose I said you're my saving grace?

I'm in a mood. Not necessarily good or bad, simply a mood.

____________________________

Ice cream is good. Particularly Baskin Robbins ice cream. Especially Love Potion #31 ice cream. It had yet to work for me yet, but dang it, does it taste good in the process.

2003-02-22T23:41:00.000-06:00

I was thrilled by the fact that this weekend I got to see a mini-John Mayer concert while I was lounging in our hotel room. I never paid much attention to his song, "Back to You" until he changed up the lyrics and they kinda-sort struck a chord. Wanna hear? (Read? same difference)

Back to me
I know that it comes
Back to me
Doesn't it piss you off?
Your will is not as strong
As it used to be

Whenever I listen to John Mayer, I think of my trip to Washington this past summer and traveling in the shuttle bus to Bellingham so I could see Chris and Shelly get married. If I close my eyes, I can still vividly remember where I sat in the bus and just what the scenery looked like, particularly my glee over going through Seattle, since I'd loved it when I'd visited when I was 15. I just have this weird thing of associated different cds with different trips because I have the tendency to get stuck on one particular album when I'm on the road. For my youth group trip to Colorado, the victim of choice was Jonny Lang, for a trip through Mexico, I was going through an Enrique Iglesias phase. To this day, I still associate those songs to those trips. Odd.

I got myself walloped when playing a singles match this weekend in Abilene; the girl I played against was an incredible player and I have no problem with the fact that I lost, though I'm wondering why she was in my division when she could have rightfully been in the highest one. Oh, well. The weekend was fun, but not really for the tennis, I was continually rushed because the rain that came down all day Friday threw everyone off. One thing that I really enjoyed was a conversation with a fellow player that I had on the way home this afternoon. To be truthful, and to my dismay, I never gave him much of a chance before because I'd formed an opinion of him and not let myself see anything different. I'm glad to say it broke down a little tonight and there's a certain level of real friendliness there now. I was honest that I didn't always find him approachable and he said something to the effect that he knew what kind of person I am (that he "reads" me well -- ?); I was tempted beyond telling to ask what he meant by that, but I let it pass. I'm just too dependent still on what people think of me, you know? It's a habit that I can't seem to break out of.

So now I sit with the remnants of my cherry limeade (the best drink in the entire world, yay! for Schooby who *voluntarily*--heh, yeah right-- took me to Sonic to appease my hunger pangs) listening to good ol' Matthew Perryman Jones and wondering what else to say (perfect lyrics at that moment: "my mind is still debating" Hee!). G'night to you all, g'night.

RSF # 12 I have a terrible temper. I think I get it from my mom, seeing as she's told me of some of her shenanigans in the past. Just hearing of the stuff she sometimes did, I can sit there and think, heh, I would do that... mmm...

2003-02-20T00:57:00.000-06:00

In another attempt to avoid studying:

AH! I so did NOT cheat on this one!

The Man-O-Steel

Take the Cartoon Hero Quiz?.

FOXXXXXXY!

*clever*

What fuzzy creature are you?

2003-02-19T21:15:00.000-06:00

Supposedly, my mind is promising that I have every intention of going and studying for my exam (which is tomorrow) straight after I'm done with this entry. Sure... riiiiight. I'm serious, I must be in the group of the more scatter-minded people. There's no faking it, there's no hiding from it. I'm just not all there.

After reading through some blogs earlier, I questioned myself as to why in the world I'm not more 'spiritual' when I'm typing in here. Then I realized, you know... let's not go there. Not right now. So we won't.

Moving on.

I had quite an experience this morning that I tried to talk about in my last entry without talking about it. It was highly amusing and a friend used the opportunity to tease me for the better part of an hour while I constantly put my hands over my face in mock shame and took at the opportunity to laugh at myself. Why am I nervous around certain guys? OK, there must be clarification: certain, attractive guys whom I've only in the past said, at the most, said hello to? I just don't know, it's silly, it's dumb, it's Samantha. I sigh. It's kind of like those questions: what came first, the chicken or the egg? what IS the point of that baby's breath stuff? No one knows, no one really cares to figure it out. It's just too confusing and, really, pointless in the end. Crushes come and crushes go and I seem to have them in spades.

Oh, btw, the hair's pink now. Meant to be red, turned pink. Deep pink. Go figure.

To tell the truth, I'm a bit frustrated at this point and I can't quite explain why here. Want the generic, vague version? You won't understand, even after I say it. OK, since I need to fill this blog with some sort of substance, here we go...

Oh, I can't do it. No matter how I put it, it's going to tip someone off and get them upset. Best to let it go. Yeah, I"m a tease, big deal. You didn't really care anyway. I just feel like hitting someone with a Clue Bus, is all. Me sigh again.

Eh, why not another RSF?

RSF #11 (Which means Random Samantha Fact, if anyon here has no idea what's going on) Oooooh....::::hums Jeopardy! song to think::: I've got tiny, chubby toes (and matching hands). My brothers make fun of them, saying they look like little sausage links. I don't know WHY they're compared to food, but eh, brothers are weird.

2003-02-19T11:31:00.000-06:00

*thunk*thunk*thunk*thunk*

That is the sound of Samantha hitting her forehead repeatedly against her desk. Want to know why?

Samantha: So, hey, um, you've been around for a while, but I don't think we've been formerly introduced.
Unnamed Guest: Hey, yeah, so this is what you look like... what's up?
S: Not all that much, but I noticed you made an appearance earlier today.
UG: Oh, that. Fun, huh?
S. Not really.
UG: Wha? I thought you liked having me around.
S: Well...
UG: You think I should leave?
S: No! I don't think. Wait, let me think. ... :::thinks::: It's just, uh, you make me awfully nervous around guys.
UG: Hmm, I could have sworn I was helping you out, you know, pointing out the *ahem* good ones.
S: Screwing up my insides and rendering me speechless doesn't quite do the job right for me.
UG: You are kind of dense sometimes...
S: Excuse me, I think I'm alerted by the presence of guys than is more than needed. Making me a bumbling, brainless idiot doesn't help.
UG: Fine, fine. What are you going to do about it? Can't really get rid of me.
S: :::considers this::: Let's just say I need to control you a little more. We'll start with a name.
UG: I think *EEP* works well. At least that's what you sound like when you lose all of your senses.
S: I was thinking more like, "The Stomach Drop Thing"
TSDT: ...
S: Yes, yes, I quite like that. Henceforth, you will be the Stomach Drop Thing.
TSDT: That's it?
S: Mmm, yeah, think so.
TSDT: That's the best you can do? Can't I have something a little more... cool?
S: Um. No. I'm not terribly creative anyway.
TSDT: What kind of crap is that?
S: Do you expect me to hold a plethora of extra names lying around? I'm doing my best here.
TSDT: From a person who uses words like henceforth or plethora, I expect something better.
S: Deal with it.
TSDT: What the *&%$
S: Hey, no cussing on the blog.

*THUNK*

2003-02-14T10:31:00.000-06:00

Ooh, so much to say. It always seems that way when there's a test to be studied for.

Okay, so it's SAD! Yay! (Single Awareness Day for all those confused). Absolutely brilliant, I tell you. Nah, not bitter about Valentines, or lack thereof (though I've gotten some lovely flowers and a ton of a candy, all from good friends, aawwww). To Steve, Heather, Nicole and all those lovely 41ers, I love you guys! Ah, I'm such a silly girl. Who needs a boyfriend when you've got awesome friends around you? (Oh, forgot about the fun of kissing.. uh, changing the subject now.)

Anyway, I witnessed the exchange of Valentines at work this morning between a brand spankin' new couple and, my goodness, the cuteness factor was overwhelming. I had to hide behind my notes so they wouldn't see me grinning like moron. It was just so adorable! I half expected that little white bunnies were going to come out and frolick around them and a deer to eat out of one of their hands, it was that cute. Ack! I'm overloading on the sugar! I just wanted to give them a big hug, the feel of a new relationship always feel so good and you ride on that high for a while.

Oh, it's such a fun day.

Mm... I ran into Christina! I so completely did not expect to see her when I did, but it was fantastic. I almost tackled her in the hallway outside Historical Books. Ah, I cannot stop saying how wonderful of a person she is, if you don't know her, then you're missing out!

Okay, what is with all my excitement today? I guess I really am happy single. Wow. That's a first.

2003-02-12T21:02:00.000-06:00

RSF #10 My oldest friend who I've kept in touch with is Vanessa. She is a hilarious, wonderful girl who goes to school in Massachusetts (and I know I spelled that wrong) and whom I've known since fifth grade (that makes it... eleven years now? wow.). She can never seem to decide what she wants to do (I'm telling you, the woman is brilliant, I think she can do whatever she dang well pleases), at times she wants to work for NASA, then design rollercoasters and after that she wanted to design children's toys. I can only imagine what she's thinking of now...

2003-02-11T19:42:00.000-06:00

This made me laugh:

anyway, i have big plans this valentines day, i'm going to a blindside show (it's a really great band if you didn't know). i hope you have a great one too regardless of the commercializedpiggyfaciastoverplayedoutforabuckbull****ofaholidaythatweknowasthedayofunreasonableexpectations aka valentine's day. all that and i'm a guy. how weird. i'm spending it with a bunch of guys in a mosh pit -Fester

*waves to fester* have a good time!

2003-02-10T21:02:00.000-06:00

Much thanks to Trina for this one:

which smilie are you?

2003-02-10T15:12:00.000-06:00

Need to put down a few quotes that have had me giggling the past few weeks:

"He can be sweet sometimes. He bought me a pair of wirecutters." -Mandy

"That's why I don't wear shirts that ride up and reveal the flesh of my back." -Bolt

"I wish my left foot wasn't an invalid." -John

OK, WHAT IS WITH ALL THE ENGAGED COUPLES? It's cool, really it is, but wow... lots of 'em. Wow.

2003-02-08T18:26:00.000-06:00

Three hours of studying gave me the measly little fruit of half a chapter read. Ick. I don't know what' with me, I just can't seem to concentrate. I was, however, quite pleased when someone came in and began to play on the piano in MSC-3. They happened to be playing the best thing I could ever hear:

RSF #9 My favorite piece of classical music is Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata. My goodness, it is so beautiful.

2003-02-06T19:09:00.000-06:00

RSF # 8... I think. (checks) Yeah, number Eight.

When I was born, my parents told my grandfather (the one that recently passed away) that they named me Sam. Being the Spanish-speaker he was and mishearing them, my abuelo got confused and asked why they were being so mean to me by naming me "Ham". :p However, he still didn't get it quite right when they said that they meant Sam as in Samantha; for the rest of my life, he referred to me as Samantho. Yeah, with an 'O'. Nah, I don't get it, either, bless the man.

2003-02-06T19:01:00.000-06:00

And so we return to this issue:

Okay, so there are two people. I'm speaking to one and not the other and it kind of made me wonder why. Why?

Well, the one I'm talking to... well, I don't know. I just got tired of the chasm between us. I was able to look at him one day and say, you know what, I think it'll be okay. It may take time, it WILL take time, but, yeah, this is all right. It feels good to say that and be able to speak with him. I think he actually reads this (do you?), so I guess this is me telling him that I'm glad. That's it. I'm glad.

The other person, however. I just can't do it. I can't. The last thing done between us wasn't just the straw that broke the camel's back, it was a whole stinkin' haystack. Too many ups and downs, too many doubts, I just don't see how it's possible and I cringe when I entertain the idea of a reconciliation.

Strange, though, I wrote almost the same thing about the former person a few months ago.

Hmm.

2003-02-05T21:36:00.000-06:00

The mourning for my smiley-face cup is over... so I got a new cup! It's plastic and clear with pink flowers and yellow sun-looking things.

Ah, so nice to have a cup again...

2003-02-04T13:11:00.000-06:00

It's an idle Tuesday, oh how I like it.

You know, the thing with tennis is that the game is entirely in your head. You can have the greatest of talents, but if you aren't concentrating, then you might as well kiss goodbye any chance of winning a single game. Muscle matters to a small extent, as does speediness, but the mind, ah the mind is what matters.

To win a game of tennis, you not only have to concentrate on your own, but you have to break down your opponent. Squash their confidence and make them uncomfortable, it is only then that your winning serves and good shots that came make a difference. At the same time, you have to watch your own attitude, because as soon as you start patting yourself on the back, your own game goes downhill. It's obvious, it's sad and if the other side notices, they exploit it, just as you would. Simply said? It's a battle of the wills. I both love and hate the game.

2003-02-02T18:46:00.000-06:00

I feel I should speak about something of significance, but so far I've got nothing. So...

RSF # 7 You know that whole 'Third Kid' thing? It's because, literally, I'm the third child in my family. There's an older brother (Ace), older sister (Becky), and younger brother (Eli), who long ago outgrew me vertically. Ah, funny thing, though. On my father's side alone, we're 4 of at least 48 cousins. Yes, I typed 48. There's a stinkin' lot of Castillo people. I was reminded of that fact last night when Lynn and I checked out My Big Fat Greek Wedding (and goodness, we saw so many LU people there, it was nuts). It's scary, there's a whole bunch of us and we all live in the same area. It's hard to escape it all. Eek.

2003-01-31T11:59:00.000-06:00

Pizza and two cookies for lunch, my taste in food is certainly going downhill. Healthy eating just isn't as easy as you expect it to be.

I am glad that I can run into our chapel speaker for today and honestly say, "Hey,good job up there." Yeah, so it had it's cheesy moments, but overall, I think Dr. Jacobs did a pretty good job. Some people may scoff at it all, saying his speech was covering stuff that we already know, but, unfortunately, those are the things that we so often forget. We think we have it down pat, so we get lax and there you go, we're back where we started and have to be reminded that, yes, faith is not something that's always going to be with you, you have to work to have it and work harder to keep it. It's something I find myself always struggling with and one of the things I've been needing to hear lately. So, yeah, chapel today may have been simplistic, but dang it, we all need to hear that every once in a while to encourage us and keep us on track.

I really feel bad for the bio-med students who are in my micro class. I mean, seriously, Dr. J just zipped through some stuff today that took the genetics class two months to get down. It may come more easily to us now, but it's like trying to force feed solid food to a newborn when it comes to the students who don't have the basis in genetics that some of us have. Sheesh.

And who the heck called THREE times to my room at midnight last night? Don't you know we're trying to sleep? Grr.

Yeah, it's a random day. I guess I'll push off another RSF.

RSF #6 [Give me a second to think.] Ah, I have a tattoo. Interestingly enough (and shockingly for many people), it was a birthday gift nearly three years ago from my father. Yep, my daddy paid for it! [And my mom went with me to pick it out - she's still annoyed that it came out larger than she expected.] It's a simple little butterfly on my left shoulderblade. Yes, I realize that girls often get butterflies, but I'd like to think mine is pretty and it's got a really fun story behind it. Come on, really, how many parents get their children a tattoo for their 19th birthday? I'll be telling this one for years...

2003-01-28T19:31:00.000-06:00

*this is the time of the day that i hide*

Study Study Study

See you in a couple days.

2003-01-28T05:51:00.000-06:00

I HAVE PURPLE HAIR!

Just thought you'd like to know.

2003-01-27T19:46:00.000-06:00

RSF #5 My favorite color is yellow. That's just a good color and not popular with everyone, but certainly popular with me. I had a quincenera and my attendents wore these beautiful, very simple, ankle length butter-yellow gowns that everyone loved (seeing as most quiceneras I went to at the time had the poor girls dresses in horrid green or ugly blue things with lots of lace, rhinestones and a big flower on the butt. I'd like to burn those dresses.). My attendants and I did the waltz. I miss waltzing.

2003-01-27T10:45:00.000-06:00

I checked my email on a whim (even though I should be studying for my test this afternoon... yeah, right, like I'm about to do that). Anyway, I was pleasantly surprised to find an letter from an old friend who graduated in May. It was nice to hear from him and to hear what he's up to (in fact I was pretty dang excited that he actually wrote, because he's so busy), but I was thrown off by the fact that he specifically said, "Yes, I'm still with [the girl} and we're very happy." Um, yeah, buddy, I figured that much.

Does he only think I'm keeping in touch because I have a crush on him or something? So much that he has to assure me that, yes, he's in a happy relationship and that he must clearly mark the boundaries? To be honest, I never mentioned her in my letters (and there's been at least four or five-emails and snail mail- combined), because, really, she didn't warrant mentioning to me. She's just someone who's dating my friend, that's pretty much it.

Yeah, so that caught me off guard. And kind of bugged me, obviously.

Anyway, I have three huge exams on Wednesday and I feel incredibly unprepared. I tried to get two of my teachers to possibly let me take one earlier or later than that date but I was slapped down twice, so I figured there wasn't even a point in asking the third teacher. After the first teacher set the day (he just decided on Friday that, hmm, Wednesday sounds good, not hearing my howled "NOOOOO!"), I got incredibly upset. So much, I felt like throttling the man. But as I was heading to my next class, I don't know, i just started thinking that, you know, God's not going to give me anything that I can't handle if I have him with me. I slowly started to feel better, but unforuantely, it's not an attitude I carried over the weekend. Now, I'm feeling kind of helpless and wondering how the heck I'm going to make it through the next few days.

DANG it, why the heck am I still blogging. I gotta go study.

2003-01-25T17:30:00.000-06:00

I was sitting, thinking to myself the other day when I stumbled upon the thought of how guys complain that girls are really looking for someone who treats them badly. What the...? I was completely against the idea.

Until now.

I don't totally agree, no way, but there is some truth to the fact that I certainly don't want a guy who completely falls over himself to grant my wishes (if they're achievable or not), with the only end being my intense dissatisfaction and his own loss of dignity. Come on, man, have a freakin' backbone. Now that doesn't mean I want someone who treats me badly, but, geez, stand up for youself sometimes, I'm not always right. In fact, I'm frequently wrong and talking out of my butt. Believe me, I had a problem with that in an old relationship and it ticked me off, constantly. I don't like feeling like I'm in control of what's going to happen next, because that makes me the witch girlfriend who directs her boyfriend of the times he can make a bowel movement. That makes an ugly person and I don't want to be that person.

Yes, sir, that was the rant of the day.

RSF #4 I constantly go on and on with rants. It's stupid, I know, and end up regretting them later, but sometimes my hands type faster than I can think.

2003-01-23T20:44:00.000-06:00

*Throws confetti into the air*

THREE YEARS!

May the arguments grow weaker as the love grows stronger!

2003-01-20T18:00:00.000-06:00

RSF# 3 I play tennis and have since eigth grade, making it a good nine years of playing. Unfortunately, I hit a plateau a couple months after I first started and am only barely breaking past it. So, yeah, I'm not a great player, but I have fun so it works for me.

I have a great satisfaction at looking at the bottom of my tennis shoes after practice and seeing the red and green markings there. It's a sort of proof that, yes, I have been running round like a nut and getting the exercise I need. The team in itself is a ton of fun seeing as I have made some really good friends off of it; last year our unity was incredible, I am certainly hoping it continues this year as I go into my third season for LU.

2003-01-19T19:19:00.000-06:00

I'm glad to say that reorganizing my mp3's was not the highlight of my day; I had an invite to a tea party, which I threw myself into, because, hey, I like tea a lot. The company was fun, too. : )

I'm beginning something, something I shall call Random Samantha Facts. You see, I often use this blog for whining and, yeah, fairly dumb. It makes for a depressing read that evem I don't want to visit. So on with the list, who knows how long it'll last, I may forget about it tomorrow.

RSF #1 I decided to give my heart to the Lord on January 23, 2000 (meaning our anniversery is coming up shortly). Like any other of my relationships, we've been fighting ever since. Anyway, it happened in the Gilbert 2 Kitchen under the loving hand of Elizabeth "Archie" Archibald. The first two guys I told were (TA-DA!) Bernz and Marcus, who we saw afterwards at Prayer & Praise. We were sitting near the front of the left side of Speer chapel and the guys were sitting behind us. Bernz did a really cool thing by buying me a book by Max Lucado and sending me a card signed by a bunch of my brothers on 41. I can't believe I remember that. Incidently, that makes way for:

RSF #2: I've got a really clear, random memory at times. There are some things I can remember really, really clearly, while the people who were there with me can't recall it at all. I can tell you exactly where I was when I met Adam Cabeen, or where I sat in my first Bible class and where Christina G and Matt M sat. But, like, I said, it's random. I have no clue of when I met Heather, my roommate or even my ex-boyfriend (though I can tell you exactly when I noticed him, but that's a whole other story).

That's good for now, I think.

2003-01-18T17:12:00.000-06:00

So, it's two a.m and I've had just finished a night that consisted of watching th Two Towers, eating pizza with friends, playing scrabble with the aforementioned little ones and catching snatches of The Patriot, which some people were watching in Thomas Lounge. I headed to my room, but didn't get into bed for another hour and a half.

And I wonder out loud over why I didn't wake up until noon. Geez.

I stumbled upon a song by Dirty Vegas that I always thought was good, but never knew who it was by. I was running around some mp3's when I thought, hmm, this would be cool to listen to. Lo and behold, it was THE song. You know those songs, the ones you dance to in your room when you're all by yourself. What's even cooler, is they have a slower version of the same song and it perhaps even better, though it's more something you dance to with someone else... or listen to while you cry over pictures of someone who's missing. Kind of goes with the lyrics: Days go by and still I think of you, yeah, days when I could live my life without you. But nah, no crying going on around here. Just dancing.

Someone once said that we shouldn't waste our tears over someone who won't waste theirs over us. I used to think, hey, sounds good, but I've come to a turning point. I think, "Now that's just stupid". Who am I to control my emotions? Hell, yeah, I try, but it never happens. One moment I'm fine and the next I'm blubbering over something completely unworthy of my attention and feeling incredibly foolish when I'm done with the whole scenario. Tired of being the depressing girl in the corner. Trust me, I'm working on that.

And I can't believe it took me an entire week to put this up, but it SNOWED on Sunday (yes, six days ago... I've been distracted). SNOWED, I TELL YOU! I was jumping up and down like an idiot school girl out there, it was completely wonderful. Seeing as it's only the second time I've ever gotten to see it in nearly twenty-two years life, I think my childishness was and is forgivable, if not completely adorable. Yes, I think you should be saying, "Aw, Samantha got to play in the snow. Good for her." Not, "What a stinkin' idiot, I saw snow last week at home." Those who say the latter, go, be gone! Out of my sight, idiots!

So there.

2003-01-16T21:45:00.000-06:00

I love my friends.

There's the guy who looks at the world, fully aware of all that goes wrong and is still able to laugh, because that's just him. He laughs. Then there's another, so innocent (and mischievous at times, from what I'm told) who I can always count on to freak when I say something off the wall (such as "Life: Sexually transmitted disease, 100% fatal). A girl on my floor (and someone I claim to live vicariously through) speaks freely of doing stuff that's tame for $500 bucks. I, however, run away at the thought.

Then there's the roommate, who claims she wants my complexion, though I would trade for her abs (and that girl is just awesome, though she steals lots of cookies). I can't forget another man who is one of the best conversationalists in the world, a guy I'd willingly skip classes just to sit across from him in Bodacious and hear about his encounters in the great wide yonder that is snowboard, because goodness knows, I'll never do it.

Can't forget the oh-engaged-ones. Congrats to the many of them and those growing in number; they show me a real, loving relationship full of respect is still in grasp of all of us, and it comes in all sorts of time (say, after three years of dating as opposed to a couple of months)

There are so many more to speak of, just the way they have contributed to my life (like the 500 buck girl's roommate, who is tempted to go nowhere any girl has gone before... and I've offered to do it for her. HA! Take that!), but alas, I"ll stop here. If you weren't mentioned, it doesn't mean that I don't love you or hold you in any lesser esteem than anyone else (ah, Sense and Sensibility flashback... the blah-blah-blah friend will understand that AND the factor of 'extrordinance'), there's just too many to count. It's nice to realize that there are so many people to love and how much they've become a part of who you are.

2003-01-12T22:51:00.000-06:00

I broke my smiley face cup tonight and that is so completely sad, I really liked that thing. It just fell on the floor and CRACK, there it went. So sad.

I feel like I've been run over by a steam-roller, maybe sleep will help. I'm sure I'll be over the death of my cup in no time.

2003-01-09T22:21:00.000-06:00

I'm so incredibly sore. Working out last night was good and I felt fine this morning, but I spent the better part of the evening hunched over cutouts, so now I'm feeling the pain. All I can do is sip water from my smiley-face cup and hope that I'm not so tense in the morning.

Hey, anyone interested in missions? Monday is the Spring Break Missions Chapel, and we've got 16 teams going out this year: 8 to Mexico, 7 to the U.S. and 1 to Honduras. They all look to be really good and we've got some awesome people at team leaders, so I hope y'all keep it in mind.

Now I'm off to nurse my hurt back and to get some z's.

2003-01-08T18:53:00.000-06:00

I'm in an odd mood again, but that's okay.

Anyway, finally had some classes start and I have a feeling that sometime during the semester, well, it won't be pretty. Even so, trying to keep an upbeat attitude about it all. I surprised myself by liking Bud's chapel this morning (until, of course, I realized the man says too much sometimes. Seriously, we need poster boards to say, "You've made your point, MOVE ON." Just a thought.) Besides that, I'm determined to be more organized this semester, seeing how classes won't be all that nice, I guess we'll see how well I stick to that...

I got to sit around with a friend last night and laugh my head off and that was pretty fun (to her, if she reads this: blah blah BLAH. yeah, she'll get it. don't worry if you don't). It's so funny that almost every time I hang out with another girl, the conversation eventually circles around to boys. EVERY TIME. We're obsessed, I guess. Anyway the talk came around to us sitting there and wondering out loud if we'd ever get it right with anyone. Chances seem slim so far, but I don't really mind; being single can be a blessing, then again at other times, it plain sucks. I never seem able to make up my mind, but, hey, what can you do?

2003-01-07T17:29:00.000-06:00

Have you ever gotten in a really dark mood? I did today. Things got better from my last post and my phase this afternoon didn't come from it, it just popped up out of nowhere. To let it out, I started writing it all out and I came out with a story. No, I won't post it, but I was just wondering, how do you guys get 'let stuff out'? I had to put it out all, well, not on paper, but on my computer screen and when it was done, the mood was gone.

So, there it is: how do you let stuff out?

2003-01-06T00:14:00.000-06:00

I took a quite a few breaths and am actually feeling a little bit better. I think.

I've finished all the chapels that need to be done before I get docked points or whatever happens when you're deficient. It was something I put off like mad during last semester and I let the tradition continue well through Christmas break. HOpefully, it'll be all right.

Seriously, I'm tired. I got a ton of sleep during break, slept in too much, really, but I don't feel as if I rested at all. Like I said earlier, going home was not what I thought it would be. Well, it turns out for some of the people there, I wasn't the person they expected me to be. It led to some unfortunate stuff and, yeah, it wasn't pretty at the end. So now even though I miss my father and mother like mad, I can't tell myself that I want to go home because I feel as if a huge wall has been put up there, both by myself and people on the other side. Never realized it was there until I was smacked right into it a couple days ago. Being back at LU isn't much better at this point. I got to spend time with my roommate, Sarah P, and Nicole, and it was all good until I really thought about the fact that there was one person in particular that I wouldn't be seeing this semester and it was just heartbreaking to realize. I'm going to walk around here tomorrow and the next and this person is gone. Moved on, living another life, g'bye to us all. Dang it, that SUCKS. I miss him so badly and I've only been back a few hours. Is this what it's going to be like when I have to say goodbye to my friends? I thought I could handle it, but right now, I feel terrrible. Absolutely terrible.

I can't go home because from all indications, home is not where I'm wanted because I'm 'different' now, and home is not here because the people I love will always be leaving. God, I just want to cry. I guess I wasn't feeling better. I promise I'll try to be in a more uplifting mood tomorrow. Or later today. Whatever.

2003-01-05T22:16:00.000-06:00

I've discovered that coming back wasn't what I thought it would be. Going home wasn't either. Happy freakin' new year. Maybe I'll be in a better mood tomorrow.

2002-12-28T23:33:00.000-06:00

Not much stuff of interest around here.

Got sick the day of Christmas, I was all icky with pink eye combined with a mid-sized cold that made me sleep for about 18-hours straight.

Have watched too much Scooby-Doo (the movie) than that is healthy for my sanity. I blame the kiddies. And 8-year-old and 5-year-old are not to be reckoned with when it comes to their favorite animated dog.

Did get to see The Sum of All Fears, though. Very good flick.

I have eaten way too many chocolate-pecan cookies. For that I blame my stepmother. I swear she's got Betty Crocker hidden in there somewhere.

Painted my mom's nails tonight. And watched the Rugrats in Paris movie. See a few sentences above for the culprits on that one.

Yeah, that's basically it.

2002-12-24T16:07:00.000-06:00

I wish I could go on and on about watching snow from my living room window, or sitting in front of the fire place with hot chocolate, but that just isn't going to happen. Up until yesterday, I was running around in t-shirts and shorts, enjoying the sunshine and asking my brother, "Where the heck is the cold weather? Dang." He could only shrug in response.

Okay, divorced parents and holidays DO NOT MIX. Circumstances have led to some confusion, trying to figure out where the family stuff is going to happen when each parental unit is requesting our presence at the exact same time. I sigh. My older brother and his famly came down to visit, but since he's got his own in-laws up near Fort Worth (who want to see him and their daughter tomorrow) they're leaving at, like, five in the morning to get there by noon. So, all of our festivities are being hurriedly fit into today. What do you do when both mommy and daddy want all 8 of you with them at midnight to open presents and they live ten miles apart? It's nuts.

I guess it could be worse. Okay, it could definitely be worse. It's better to have parents fighting for your attention rather than not caring where you are at all. Yeah, that's a good way to look at it, right?

And I get to see my babies again! I have a niece and two nephews from my older brothers family and they are so wonderful. Pains in the butt sometimes, I must say, but it's so cute to run around with them and play chalupa and hear them singing Christmas carols at the kid's table while they wait for lunch. I got so busy this year, I was sitting in the car with my mom the other day and said, "Whoa, Christmas is in a week isn't it? I almost forgot." So many things to do, you kind of forget what's going on. It's nice to have a reminder packaged in an 8-year old, 5-year old and near-2-year old. Very nice indeed.

2002-12-22T00:10:00.000-06:00

I'm sitting here at the computer, completely wrapped in a blanket and warding off the cold? I can't say it's cold outside, but it sure as heck is freezing inside my house. Why? I have no clue.

Tonight was a lot of fun, though, and I've got the make-up and pictures to prove it. You know it's a special occassion when I break out the Maybelline. Anyway, went to my cousin's quincenera and had a really great time. I danced with my brother, dad, cousin... I think that's about it, but hey, I like to dance, so it was rip roarin' fun. I had this deep purple, down to floor dress that my dad, well, his jaw dropped when he saw me and started gushing about how pretty his baby girl looked. :) My daddy is a sweetie pie. I must say, quinceneras are used for a lot of excuses (drinking, dancing like idiots, wearing really dressy clothes) and I have to go with the last one. It's not every day that you can bust out a ballgown and have a completely plausible reason for wearing it.

So now I'm back in the same ol', same ol' Samantha clothes, frumpy shirt and all, but that's okay! That's just me most of the time, laid back and all. The only problem is that I haven't gotten to the bathroom to clean my face off, so I've still got the sparkly eyeshadow, eyeliner and lipstick (and if you know me, you know it's not every day that I wear this stuff). My sister took a ton of pictures, probably knowing that she wouldn't be seeing this for a while.

It was weird, really, seeing everyone tonight. Melissa (for whom the dace was for) was in my own quincenera six and half years ago. She was only nine! I kept thinking of all the little kids from my party who were running around, tugging on each other's hair and there they were growing up and dancing around with the big people. I forgot somewhere along the way that everyone is growing up, not just me. It's just I'm away at school so long, they just shoot up during my abscence and when I see them again, I'm like, "What the...?"

To see my grandma, though, without my grandfather there was tough at one point. I can remember all the dances we've had in our family (and there's lots of girls, hence, lots of quinceneras to attend over the years) and he would be sitting there right next to my grandma. And you know that little old people dance, where they're really close and take teeny tiny steps? Well, they did that. I miss seeing it.

It'd been easy not to think about my grandfather's death while I was up at school, but tonight I was really reminded of it, right in front of my eyes. Instead of him, there was just a picture, sitting on the entrance table of the hall. Made me realize that I missed the man as much as ever.

Life goes on, I know. But sometimes it just plain sucks when that happens.

2002-12-19T01:22:00.000-06:00

I'm ready to curse AOL up and down for being such a pain in the bum the last few days. There are times when I sign on in an attempt to browse the internet or something, only to be stopped. For some reason, it lets me open one window, but if I click on any link (and I'm talking every, single, freakin' one), I'm given a "site not found" lame excuse. Sheesh.
So, then I have to sign off, wait a little while and sign on again with high hopes. Please don't tell me it'll be like this during the entire break.
Anyway, been busy doing the Christmas shopping thing and fitting it around my laziness at home. It's fun to get out there with my mom and she has me cracking up so much. The woman is just plain silly, always giving me a hard time about something, but barely being serious about it. I felt so bad yesterday, though. We went shopping for a dress for me because we're going to a dance this weekend. Four hours worth of browsing in at least seven stores left us with our hands empty. However, we got home and she busted out my old dresses (including the prom dress that hadn't seen the light of day in four and a half years) and they all fit! She swore then she would kick my ***. Yes, my mother said that (maybe it was her sore feet talking? Maybe). I said it, too, but I don't have the courage to put it online for all to see. I'll let you keep on thinking I'm perfectly innocent.
I just lost that, didn't I? Ah, well.
There was also fun to be found with the Weslaco Tamaleras, as my grandma and some of her daughters are calling themselves. I joined them in some holiday festivities, which, for us Hispanic, includes making dozens and dozens (and dozens...) of tamales to sell and eat. That was just good. I have nothing else to say. It was just pretty good. Oh, yeah.
Now I'm just hoping this will post. I've had enough of AOL's finnicky ways.

2002-12-16T12:32:00.000-06:00

Okay, first it wouldn't post and now it's posting twice. Grr.

2002-12-16T12:31:00.000-06:00

I tried posting yesterday when I got home, but for some reason, AOL doesn't seem to like doing that. I'm crossing my fingers and hoping that this one makes it though.

Well, a phone call did come yesterday, but it wasn't what I was hoping for. As much as I love my mother, hers was not a message that I was waiting for. Anyway, reality hits and it hits hard, slamming you down to the ground and laughing like a maniac in your ear. Dang, isn't that sad? Ugh.

Anyway, I'm home now, sleeping in until eleven, which is nice until I realize that I've wasted half the day. I should go outside in the nice warm weather, seeing as Christmas will be floating around the upper seventies this year, that's just insane. Maybe I'll go to the beach.

2002-12-14T22:26:00.000-06:00

I really hate having to say goodbye to people that I care about. To watch them walk away after you give them that last hug, knowing you've said the last words you'll be able to say for a while, if ever, it just sucks. But you know what sucks even MORE? Never getting to say goodbye at all.

That happened today and I couldn't help but sit there and lean on Elaine and be sad. I wasn't ready for it to happen, so not ready that I completely missed it. I closed my eyes and, like that, they were gone. I was okay with it earlier, but now I'm like, geez, this really, really, really is terrible. I got my own little lump n my throat and my sad face (which I have come quite accustomed to this semester and seriously need to get rid of) and I can't help but hoping for a phone call that I know I'll never get.

It's sad, really. I know in the morning, I'll check my messages even though I've been in my room all right. I know that I'll try again when I get home, all the while being fully aware of the fact that my phone never rang once, but still harboring that hope that maybe, just maybe, this person cared enough to get in touch.

Geez, this is so pathetic. Being a girl is stupid.

2002-12-14T00:51:00.000-06:00

This is somewhat of a late post, but I think that's quite all right. I meant to get to it earlier then decided, heck no, I feel like sleeping instead.

Fact is, I'm supposed to be in Good Ol' South Texas right now, but I'm still on campus! I got the opportunity to stay and watch my friends graduate, so I jumped at it and I'm now heading home on Sunday. It's exciting stuff, I tell you, I've been thrilled pretty much all day. I was walking around this afternoon and I could hardly believe that I had absolutely nothing to do. No work, no homework, no classes, no tennis, no STRESS! And I was still on campus! Freaky. That's just not a feeling you get often around LeTourneau, so I felt pretty dang good.

The evening, though, was a mix of things. I went out with a couple of friends and had a great time, checking out all sorts of Christmas lights and stuffing myself on pizza; however, some bad news given at the beginning of the evening kind of put a damper on everything. I tried not to dwell on it, but you can't help but get quiet when you're sadly reminded of your own humanity and, well, yeah. It was just really sad. Hoping tomorrow won't be like this.

2002-12-12T10:08:00.000-06:00

Finals are over, but I'm still in that 'in between' phase where it hasn't hit me that I'm actually done with this blasted semester.

Maybe a nap will help.

2002-12-10T00:05:00.000-06:00

So, graduation is coming up in a few days. I can't help but feel just a little down about it; obviously, I'm not going to be walking across the stage, seeing as I still have three semesters, but it's hard to say goodbye to those that I've grown close to. As it is, I'm leaving on Friday, so I'm completely missing the 'festivities'. Got to say my goodbyes, promises to keep in touch and try my best to hold on to them. Geez, I hope I don't cry too much. At least I've gotten better about saying goodbye to people. It used to get me so incredibly upset, but I've been waking up to the fact that hey, things change. I can' t keep it the way I want, so I just have to roll with the punches and accept the changes as they come.

But before the day comes, I still have two more finals to go. I could cheerfully say a foul word about my physics II exam, that exam was horrible. I was hoping that I would do well enough to keep my A in there, but chances are I lost it. It's a huge disappointment, but what can you do? I tried to pick up my grades this semester and I guess it's just a bummer to realize that what I put in wasn't enough. I'll just have to work even harder next semester to get on the right track, I guess.

I don't know what to expect in January, really. I half expect a huge change because of that silly song by Michelle Branch. Seeing as it has made a lot of sense to me as of late (except that stupid last line, if you don't know what I'm talking about, go back a few days on my blog and you'll see why), I keep thinking that more of the lyrics will ring true. Stupid, huh? Yeah, I thought so, too. There's just a few lines that say I"ve been searching deep down in my soul. Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old. Feels like I'm starting all over again; the last three years were just pretend. And I said goodbye to you. They just keep ringing true in my head. Who knows, it's probably a bunch of crap, it all usually turns out to be. I guess it's just because, come January, it'll be three years that I've been here.

Can we say, "Samanthaisreadingwaytoomuchintoastupidsong"? I sure can. I freely admit that I overanalyze things to death. Still trying to figure out how to stop.

2002-12-09T01:05:00.000-06:00

Stuart, NO!

It was brought to my attention tonight that I have to reword myself very carefully becuase I'm confusing a few people.

As you see in my last post, I made a comment about moving on, and it was taken as if I had decided to give my Blog the ol' heave-ho. For those prematurely celebrating my departure, I hate to rain on your parade, but it's not true! If you check out the post before my last one (also on 12/8), you'll see that those posts take place exactly two minutes apart.

What I had been talking about was the whole best friends thing and how it had upset me so much this semeseter because, yeah, my life was pretty much ripped up this semester. But then I realized that that's all I've BEEN about this semester, just holding on to those hurts, repeating the words that have been said in my head and with the other person involved. Acknowledging this, I told myself that the time has come to move the heck on. I cannot let that man or what he's done in my life define me because you know what? That's not his place. He made the decision to leave my life and I'm plain stupid to hold on to it in any way.

So that's what I meant that I wouldn't let it define me.

But Stuart, hey, obviously my wording set off something in your head. If you need to take a break, then by all means, take the break. Hell, write R.I.P. all over it, because obviously you want to find your answers somewhere else and that's OK. I see this place as my ultimate moment to vent and rattle on in my own random little way. We'll miss your posts and I hope you come back but if you don't, hey, we still have you around and that's pretty great.

2002-12-08T01:12:00.000-06:00

I'm stopping now. I cannot let this define me anymore.

This is Samantha moving on.

2002-12-08T01:10:00.000-06:00

I miss kissing.

Yes, I know that's right out there, but I"m being completely honest with you. There's just something wonderful about it (honestly, who hates it? I'm completely stating the obvious). I guess I just miss being with someone special and it's times like these that my patience is thin . Ah, I can only sigh.

What brought this on me, you ask? I was speaking to a friend tonight that I hadn't seen in quite a while. She's gotten herself engaged to a very good guy and their wedding is set for June. She and I sat in my room talking about all sorts of things, how they'd been best friends before moving on to something more special and just how their little path to forever coupledom has progressed. I can't deny I'm envious, but I also have to remember that being single gives me some opportunities that people in relatinships don't have. And really, if I were to be in a relationship from the time I'm, let's say, 25, then that's only 25 years of being single and (God Willing) 70 years of being 'with someone'. While that's important, I guess you could say, it just reminds you to be more thankful for your season of singleness. But I still miss kissing. It's just fun.

: )

Well, anyway, talking to this friend, we discussed this whole best friendship thing converting to marriage thing. It's really sad to realize, but the fact is with guys and girls, being best friends is a very dangerous thing. Maybe I'm just gun shy now, but the truth is, which I never wanted to accept until it was too late, is that when guys and girls are best friends, it can only end in two ways: Marriage or complete loss of the friendship. Perhaps it's cynical, but this is something I've seen with others as well in my own life. Guys and girls, heck yeah, be friends, but when there is a deep emotional bond, it's very very hard to break without getting incredibly hurt. And nothing hurts as much as the pain inflicted by the person you love more than anything, whether you're in a relationship or not. Believe me. That's all I can say, just believe me.

I need to move on, but these are aso life lessons I need to keep near.

2002-12-07T18:58:00.000-06:00

I'm so disappointed in Michelle Branch. I've been meaning to say that for a while, but I keep forgetting. You see, she has a really good song called Goodbye To You. I love to sing along to it because, well, yeah. There's just parts of it that just fit me when I was at a certain part of this semester. The best lyrics? "It hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time. I want what's yours and I want what's mine. I want you, but I'm not giving in this time."

Okay, so the disappointment part. The song is completely ruined by a completely ridiculous line at the end of the song. The first time I heard it, I'd been enjoying a very good song and then I was like, "What the *&#$? You've gotta be kidding me!" Yeah, it's just a stupid ending, could have done without it. Hence, the dislike. So sad.

Anyway, so I'm listening to it right now, cutting it off before I get to the stupid part and just reflecting. Always reflecting, yes I am, but I lead a pretty boring life so I have to make up stuff in retrospect. Okay, so not really, but I'm just trying to fill up this blog seeing as I've ignored it so much this last month. ANYWAY, the song kinda put me in this mood where I was thinking about some things I experienced. I recently came into some knowledge that puts a whole new spin on the entire situation and it knocked me on my butt when I heard it. All I could do was sit there and think, "Okay, so what was the point of all this?" One point is certainly clear: Samantha had to move on. But as for the other people in the situation? What did it get them, really? From where I'm sitting I'm coming up with a big, fat, stinkin' NOTHING. Nobody won. We all ended up hurting each other, tearing each other a new one (whatever that means) and losing friendships. I just don't get it.

That seems to be the theme for the week.

2002-12-03T21:50:00.000-06:00

So far, my question of the week has been, "Why do guys do that?" It comes from a bit of watching (spying? stalking? eh.) several of their kind around campus. I had to wonder out loud why guys insisted on sitting at 'their' tables during break when hardly anyone was around and that half of the cafeteria was technically closed off. The question that passed through my mind was one of why you guys aren't comfortable with trying something different once in a while. Someone I raised this to simply answered (and I must paraphrase, as this was a couple days ago), "Guys are terriitorial, we're just beyond peeing on places to mark our territory... and some guys are still stuck back there."

OK, gross? Yeah.

So, part two came up today at the blood drive, where a couple guys came in insisting that they were going to 'beat' each other in their pumping of blood. Taylor W. didn't mean to, but got his donation done in six minutes, after the last guy (who was at 8 minutes) somewhat claimed that he was the uncontested winner. Mmhmm. Anyway, these other two guys get the bright idea of that not only are they going to beat each other, but they'll do it in 5 minutes or less. Well, turns out one of them did half-fill the bag in a minute and a half, but his body didn't like all the extra pumping, so it refused to give out anymore than that. Yeah, smart choice there now, buddy.

And me? Five minutes, flat, baby. And I didn't have a clue until I was done and Darlene (the assistant) told me. So what's all this about territory and competition again?

2002-11-30T22:45:00.000-06:00

If life is a stage, then the freakin' playwright must be on crack. Just a thought.

2002-11-30T18:10:00.000-06:00

What has this weekend been? Slow. Not that I mind, though; in fact, I quite appreciate the fact that this vacation hasn't zipped by as they are all prone to do so. I spent Thanksgiving morning and afternoon at a good friends house, having a lovely time with a bunch of people I'd never met before and most likely won't ever see again. But that's okay, there's a lot of people I won't ever see again, I'm guessing. Anyway, in the late afternoon, I transplanted myself to the Hellmuth's, though I didn't eat much of anything since I'd done that part at the first place. I played with many a golden retriever puppy and talked to just as many people (who enjoy Mafia as much as I do, and played the game twice) until late in the night.

The high point of my weekend, though, without a doubt was Friday, because it was a Blue-filled day. A great friend came to visit from Dallas and I had her all to myself all day! Exciting stuff, I tell you. I don't see her nearly enough and it was nice to have a girl's day out. At one point, I sat there and couldn't help thinking what an amazing friend I have, really; she's one of those people who, just by her actions, calls on me to be a better person, a person who strives to please God with everything that is done during the day. I sometimes end up feeling incredibly lacking, but that's just in recognitions of my own downfalls, not because she boasts. Hmm.

And, so yeah, this day was compltely wasted, in retrospect. Anyone could have found me this afternoon taking tickets for the basketball games down at Solheim. Hey, both our teams won, so that's pretty good... I just wish I could have seen the dang games instead of sitting in the main hallway for five straight hours. At least I didn't have five different 30 year olds trying to jokingly convince me that they were 12 so they could get in free. Believe me, it's happned before. It was funny the first time, but it's not exactly an original joke, so I get pretty sick of it after a while. It's hard to sit there, put on a fake smile and pretend to laugh at their attempts to be clever. Right.

2002-11-25T16:03:00.000-06:00

"I got salvation in a rebel." -Derek Webb

This has actually been a fairly decent day. Like chapel, disliked the icky smell, but was relieved that it wasn't coming from the guy beside me as I first thought. One thing that has become prominent to me, though, is the sad fact that our campus is so completely dead. The worst part of it was I realized during one time at Sunday night praise and worship. The question is then, what is it that we can do about it? What can I do about it? Got to keep my ears and eyes open.

Genetics lab is finally over; one thing I discovered through that class is how completely anal I am about being "clean". I swear, after I worked with some of that stuff, I had to wash my hands at least twice before I felt any better about it all. Sometimes three times. Geez.

Yeah, lots of random thoughts today.

I'm just glad this will be a three-day week. That thought made my day brighter despite the dreary clouds.

2002-11-22T18:46:00.000-06:00

I thought of something to say.

I was sitting here, holding an orange, listneing to Bebo Norman, considering my taste in music when I remember something that had crossed my mind earlier this week when I had been hanging out with Miss Williams of the Cooper persuasion. Anyway, I told her, "You know what? I just want a quiet life. Settle down, have a steady job, maybe travel a little bit when I can, but mostly... I just want a quiet life."

Don't get me wrong, there are times when I am in my room and I'm dancing around to some awesome music and, well, everyone knows me to be quiet loud, but the fact is I'm not asking for much from the world. Maybe a little recognition, an acknowledgement maybe, and then I can sit quietly and watch everyone walk by. I don't need adventure, I don't need a rollercoaster ride of a time, I just want a simple life. Is that so wrong?

2002-11-22T18:34:00.000-06:00

I've been neglecting my little blog for FOUR days. Geez, I just kind of forgot about it there for a little while.

The beginning of my week was horrid really, but got much better by today. There are now three weeks left in the semester, but I still don't quite feel like it's crunch time just yet. Famous last words.

Listening to Matthew Perryman Jones, though. My winamp player always seems to have him right there when I'm writing. So, instead, I sing along quietly and write nothing of all that much importance. Take my hand and teach me not to fear; meet me now, I am nowhere else but here. And I sit upon the fence, still waiting; I just can't decide on where I want to be. My heart is torn, my mind is still debating. I just want to be where love can set me free. Speak to me and make it all so clear, meet me now, I am nowhere else but here. Good song.

Geez, four days and I can't think of all that much to say. I'll try again later, I suppose.

2002-11-18T21:38:00.000-06:00

Days like these need an early bed time.

Running around all day, getting tired, eating an icky dinner and then providing a shoulder to scream on... I'm just tired. Frankly, I'm surprised that I got everything done that I meant to.

Seeing as I've now patted myself on the back, I'm going to head to that bed over there.

2002-11-16T22:54:00.000-06:00

find me here
speak to me
i want to feel you
i need to hear you
you are the light
that is leading me
to the place where
i find peace again
you are the strength
that keeps me walking
you are the hope
that keeps me trusting
you are the life to my soul
you are my purpose
you are everything

and how can i
stand here with you
and not be moved by you
would you tell me
how could it be
any better than this

you calm the storms
you give me rest
you hold me in your hands
you won't let me fall
you still my heart
and you take my breath away
would you take me in
would you take me deeper now

and how can i
stand here with you
and not be moved by you
would you tell me
how could it be
any better than this

'cause you're all i want
you are all i need
you are everything
everything
you're all i want
you're all i need
you're everything
everything

-Lifehouse, Everything

oh, yeah, God is good.

2002-11-15T12:46:00.000-06:00

Aaaaaah... the day has officially gotten good. I'm finished with my third exam for the week (no more for a couple of weeks, yay!) and I'm listening to my brand spankin' new Amanda Noel cd. Geez, that woman is absolutely wonderful. I was purposefully late to class today so I could go talk to her and catch up before she and Jonathan got caught up with chapel and all. If you missed chapel, that's really too bad. The songs they played I'd heard before, but I really didn't care, I think those two sing wonderful music and sound fantastic. Weirdly enough, I even like the corny jokes, because that's just Amanda and Jonathan.

Man, I just feel good now. I feel really, really good. Can't wait until the concert tonight, it'll be the perfect end to the day.

2002-11-13T15:36:00.000-06:00

So, yeah, I'm sitting in Saga munching away on breakfast when a fellow LU blogger joins me (*waves hello* to the person). I don't talk to 'em much since we usually never see each other, but for some reason we kept running into each other today. Anyway, had a short, but interesting conversation about what we want to do and what we feel led to do by the Lord. I walked away from that just asking God, "Okay, what is it than you want me to pay attention to?" Because honestly, I've come to realize that God just doesn't throw people into our paths for the heck of it, there's a purpose in everything. (That, however, doesn't mean we much READ into everything; just because a you slip in the grass doesn't mean you should stay away from the outdoors when dew is out, but you know what I mean.) You're struggling or thinking of something and BAM! God sits down a little road guide right in front of you while you're eating cornflakes and drinking tea. You just have to finally sit down and listen to what God is trying to get through to you. Now I can't tell you the exact situation I'm in, becuase I honestly don't know... but I'm keeping my ears and eyes open just in case.

Mm, better stop typing, I think it's annoying my attempting-to-sleep roommate; hence, I shall go, hope you all have a blessed day.

2002-11-11T18:46:00.000-06:00

My poor Blog, I've ignored it so. These last couple of days I've found it easier ot bury my nose in a book rather than do anything else. Not smart, considering I have three exams this weeks, but I suppose I'll take it all in stride.

I have a feeling that a few things are going to have to go next semester. Maybe not a few, but at least one. It's not often that I bite off more than I can chew, seeing as I love my laziness, but I'm thinking the Spring semester will be a terror if I don't cut something out. Mm, gonna have to mull over that one.

Matthew Perryman Jones is once again entertaining me; for some reason, I can't get enough of the man who's singing about leaving home. "Tis all for now, I suppose.

2002-11-09T15:34:00.000-06:00

	You are Fozzie! Wokka Wokka! You love to make lame jokes. Your sense of humor might be a bit off, but you're a great friend and can always be counted on..
*Take the What Muppet Are You?* Quiz!**

hello, goodbye, nice knowing ya.

i'm in a weird mood today. maybe i'll sleep. yeah, i'm going to sleep.

2002-11-08T17:45:00.000-06:00

I FIGURED OUT HOW TO DO LINKS! AREN'T YOU PROUD OF ME?!?!?!?!

*dancesawaywithhappinessbecausesheconqueredthecomputer*

2002-11-08T17:27:00.000-06:00

So, yeah, eating oreos then brushing your teeth directly after.... yeah, that's just gross.

I had lunch with somone I consider a good friend, perhaps you could she is my mentor, but the fact is that I'd rather have her as a friend. Can you even truly connect to a 'mentor'? I guess you can, but it's not that close friendship where you can confide in each other, it's more like one going to the other for guidance. While she is a great, amazing guide in my life, I don't want that to be forever. I want her as a friend for the rest of my life, she can't always be there as a guide.

Yeah, that was random, but it was running through my brain and I"m not sure if it made a lot of sense. I talk to her about a ton of different things, lately it's consisted of that whole personal life chaos thing (saying plct is so much simpler, so I'll do that) I was experiencing. Things are starting to pan out right now and I'm glad for it, especially because it's giving me times of self-reflection and all that jazz. Anyway, something I remembed is that I was talking about how much stuff has changed since I came to school nearly three years ago. The school has changed, friends have changed, roommates (I'm on number five at the moment), priorities... so much has flipped around, sometimes I notice it, sometimes I don't. I used to be so, I don't know... is stupid the right word? Not necessarily. I thought getting into a relationship was the end all of everything (a part of me still thinks that way, sadly enough, but it's less so than before) and when that would happen, everything would be perfect. Yeah, that was a rude wake up call.

I don't know when I started looking at all these things differently, but I do know I noticed it when I was talkng to another friend about a week and a half ago. She recently started seeing someone exclusivley and I have to say they look absolutely adorable together. Anyway, we were discussing a recent development in the plct and how much someone had made me cry and she commented that she'd had that in the past with a guy who wasn't her current squeeze. I just looked over at her and said, "You know he's going to make you cry one day, right?" She said yes. Then I added, "And one day, you're going to make him cry." She nodded and said, "Probably" or something like that.

It's not like we plan to hurt one another, but we are simply humans; we love, but we also have the propensity to hate and to hurt. I mean, it's an obvious thing to say, but we don't think about it: we can only be betrayed by our friends. I'm not saying it's a common occurance, thank God, but the fact is we can't expect relationships to be perfect, friendship, relationship or otherwise. I guess that's where forgiving each other and movong on kicks in. Unfortunately, I'm still trying to figure that out. I guess it's a good thing that I've at least recognized it. However, it's about here that I remind myself that I still have a long way to go and once I get smart over one subject, it'll be time to face another that I've been ignorant in.

2002-11-08T00:29:00.000-06:00

I am so stinkin' tired. Why am I blogging, I don't know, so I shall crawl off to bed now. G'night.

2002-11-06T17:26:00.000-06:00

All right, so after reading Bernz's blog, I got into some overanalytical thinking of what exactly dating is. Crap, there are a lot of fine lines, aren't there? It drives me fairly mad.

That 'Pancho' guy who said to Bernz that dating someone was a purpose to see if you wanted to marry them made me laugh. Sorry, but I think dating is simply two people getting together and going out to have a good time. They know they like each other and they just want to see if they want to take it anywhere. If they choose to, that's when the 'relationship' part kicks in, whatever that is. Maybe then you can start thinking about how far you want it to go. (fyi, if you wish to see the blog in question, go to this blog. I think it was the Sunday or Monday entry.

The problem with some people is that they think that they can be just friends with someone that they've professed feeling for or anything of that sort. Hey, I'm sorry to break it to you, but things were different from the moment you started entertaining ideas of being around this person in a way that is more than a passing friendship; things became even more different when the other person considered saying yes or no to you. Added to that, I'm sorry, but things are never going to be the same again. But that's okay, change is good; yeah, it can suck, but do you really want to stay in this exact spot, in this exact emotion as you're feeling right now? Didn't think so. We cannot love any more or any less until we take a few risks. That's scary as heck to think about, I know, but you have to ask yourself if you're going to regret your actions a few years from now. In the case of rejection are you going to be sitting around in shock going, "Dang, I got rejected... suck." or will you realize that it was a learning experience that you eventually got over (and you will, I promise) that caused you to see things in a different and possibly better light? Okay, somehow I crossed over into people asking each other out, but whatever. And what if they say yes? It could be the experience of a lifetime.

Despite all my experiences and crap, I do still have an idealistic and naive view of it all and I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing. Anything to say?

Ah, yes, and for those people who think a guy and girl hanging out together constitutes as a date, I disagree. Like I said, there's a lot of fine lines. I went ot Fall Fest with a good friend and we even joked around that it was a 'hot date', but the fact is that we know we are only friends and we went because we feel comfortable around each other enough to not get freaked out over what the situation means. So, no, I wouldn't call that a date. When professed feelings are involved, however... yeah... good luck.

2002-11-04T17:42:00.000-06:00

So, yeah, I'm laying in bed when I'm struck by all sorts of thoughts, fairly normal practice really. Anyway, I kept thinking that there's so many things that we know, but don't really 'know', get me? We all need to be told time and time again because we're prone to forgetfulness. That said, I bring you:

Things We Need to Be Reminded of Sometimes (a continuing series)
-Got God? You got hope.
-We sleep in the beds we make
-Men are stupid
-So are Women
(above based on the following coversation:
me: Men have issues!
AJ: oh, yeah, like you're stable.)
-call mom and dad, they want you to.
-trust can take years to grow and only moments to break

It's a short list so far, but I'll add more when I have a sleepless night or two.

2002-11-03T23:46:00.000-06:00

Samantha NewsFlash
I HAVE A GRAY HAIR!
yeah, actually i noticed it a while ago, but forgot about it. geez, i'm only 21. i guess stress does that to you. well, now that you're appropriately dumber for reading my post, i shall mosey off to bed. (hey, why do people freak out about gray hair's anyway? so we're getting old, not like we can do anything about it...)

2002-11-03T20:10:00.000-06:00

OK, so I'm sitting there in McAlister's Deli with my roommate and good friend, Will, having a complete nervous breakdown due to laughter. It was quite weird to figure out that I ended up rooming with the female version of Will (lacking a few characteristics, sure, but still) . One mentined some random movie about a little boy who goes "eep eep" and the other knew EXACTLY what they were talking about. I was sitting there trying to figure out how I never noticed, especially when Heather suggestd that Will dance on the table and then they made arrangments to hang out some more. I mean, really, have you ever watched a situation where the people *click* right in front of you? It was scary. It's been rare a time where I find myself completely in the same vibe as someone when we're speaking, so to watch it happen with close friends (who had never really talked before tonight) kind of blew me away.

And now it's back to my mundane little room while the two of them go off to watch Fight Club; what SHALL I do with my free time?

Anyway, went to FallFest last night with a friend and had a lovely time at that. Camera capers were... well, some of them just didn't make any dang sense, I just didn't get it. The funniest by far was 4B's, with our spy Sarah screaming "DOUGHNUTS!" and being saved from the big bad man with the gun when he was run over by hungry boys. Ah, the life of LeTourneau.

2002-11-01T13:16:00.000-06:00

I'm in a fabulous mood today, I tell you, fabulous!

And I'm not sure what else to say. I must be off to escort our wonderful G2 FallFest King, so I shall be off. Maybe I'll have something more to say later.

2002-10-31T20:34:00.000-06:00

My decision has been made and the ending is sealed, yet I am now feeling that sadness that I was lacking yesterday. I just see someone walking around campus with a sad look and I can't help thinking that I remember someone who had that same look on their face this semester and that person was me. I don't want to make this person hurt, but I can't do anything to change what's happened. I made a choice and I truly feel it was the absolutely right one. Things just have to end one day, I guess. I know one day it'll be all right.

God never promised us that following us would be easy; this has been pounded into my brain over in over in Romans, so much that I decided to write a paper on the passage that considers tribulations, perseverence, character and hope. It's comforting to know that God has it all down, but I wish he could take the sadness away. I have been freed from the past and the only thing that can possibly hold me back is me. The big problem I have is that I always try to solve other people's problems, make everything better from them. It's kind of like the whole, "Those who can't learn, teach" thing. Did I get that right? Anyway, I find myself always trying to fix everybody else's brokeness instead of concentrating on my own problems and it just worsens inside of me until I nearly blow up from the anger and frustration.

A friend told me tonight that she felt I made the right decision, that this person and I need time to heal. I agree whole-heartedly because I do not regret making the choice I did, I just wish we didn't have to hurt, either of us. I wish I could go up to them and say that I was sorry for not making it easy, but the fact is that the easy way out would have been wrong. Maybe one day he'll agree.

2002-10-30T13:08:00.000-06:00

Are there things that you ever saved up that you wanted to say to someone? Maybe it was good, maybe it was bad, maybe it was just something you really needed to get off your chest so you could move on. I have to admit that I had something along those lines surrounding me a lot for a while. My sister warned me not to think of it anymore because I would probably never get the chance to express what I was thinking out loud and that moving on entirely was my best option. God could have let me struggle until I decided to give it over to him, but this time he gave me a free pass. I was given the chance to say all that I had to say. Do I feel victorious? No. Sad? Not really. I just said things I needed to say, heard things I needed to hear and am finally being given the free opportunity to move on with my life. I can tell you one thing though: I finally feel free. And that is always a good thing.

Closure is a good thing. I know not many people get it, so I have to say thankyouthankyouthankyou to God.

2002-10-29T14:32:00.000-06:00

Hi, I'm Samantha and I'm a Smallville fanatic. And that's just sad.

Actually, it's a good show and all, but I've spent waaaaay too much time watching it. I kind of feel like kicking Nate Robertson for sharing all the episodes on his computer... or maybe Clint West for teling me where to find them, but then I realize my wasted time is no one's fault but my own. Suck. I do, however, enjoy the little parties that get together to watch it every Tuesday night. So, that said, even though I know better, guess where I'll be at eight o'clock tonight?

I've seriously got to start reading blogs more carefully. I read Bernz's latest entry and got it all wrong, commented and then realized my snafoo. It was all about how a relationship of his has changed, but he knew the person who made the decision did it for the right reasons. I thought he put down that they did the right thing, but with the wrong intentions... maybe I read what I wanted to read because that's something I've been experiencing this semester. I had a good friend for a long time and things turned bad and they made a decision. However, their means for doing so (in my eyes) were completely screwed up and it's taking me a while to get past it. I've gotten to the point where I don't want to kick walls when I think of them, but I am not at the place where I can speak to them. Truly, I don't think I'll ever be there. That relationship is dead, gone, finito. Sad. All the whiel I'm feeling kind of 'eh' now, just kind of walking through the blurry days that seem the exact same as the day before. I need to get out of this rut and I need to get out of it now.

Oh, BTW... courtesey of Bernz, as well:

What
lesser-known Simpsons character are you?

Brought to you by the good folks at sacwriters.com.

2002-10-28T18:39:00.000-06:00

Well, it's a first, but counting has made me quite frustrated. I know it sounds odd, but I decided to tally up my chapel visitations this semester and it turns out that even if I attend every single chapel from here on out, I'll still have to make up at least four online. I'm not entirely sure where all the time went, but what can you do? The chapel I'm really looking forward to is the one with Jonathan and Amanda Noel. I've known the both of them for a couple of years now and I can't wait to see them again. As for the rest, well, I guess I can stick it out.

2002-10-27T22:38:00.000-06:00

There has been a lot of dancing going on in my room. After scouring the network for any kind I could find that I actually liked, I downed some club and techno stuff onto my computer and proceeded to hop around when the mood hit me. Ack, I'm not into clubbing, but don't you just want to jump around sometimes? Darn no dancing rule on campus. One weirtd thing is that I discovered that club music + some concentrating = studying environment. It used to be I could only listen to classical at most and now I'm bopping my head to Daniel Bedingfield while I look over a commentary.

Speaking of commentaries, finally pushed my laziness out the window and started working on my Romans paper that is due on Friday; I finally chose the passage and now I have to coerce my notes into giving me five pages minimum of information. I haven't written a paper in so long, I think I might have forgotten to actually do it. I certainly hope not.

Anyway, something else random: I was returning to my room when I was thinking about a book that my friend Sandra has, and it has an extremely funny part about penguins (hence, I placed a little excerpt at the top of this page). It's a goofy book about how hard it is to find a good man and it remarks with pictures that penguins have it so easy, they get together for life and it says something like, "If a penguin can do it, why the hell can't I?" I found it absolutely hilarious, so there you go. Anyway, I was surprised by the memory that Penn 1 dorm guys used to be the Penguins (they changed to the Pirates... I don't know when) and I had to laugh; it's a complete coincidence, I swear!

On that note, back to the Greeks...

btw, "Quote of the Night" Jon Marney: "I don't care, I can run faster scared than you can mad."

2002-10-25T23:18:00.000-05:00

"Okay, don't smell this, don't touch it... Bolt, hold still."

As I was true to my word, I am mentioning dear Bolt tonight. The boy took some bad advice and went through with coloring his hair black (it was just for a presentation he says... riiiiiiight). Anyway, when given the opportunity to bleach it back to blond (not a successful venture, but hey, I tried), I jumped at the chance. In between downing a cream soda, listening to friends goof off and calling Fester a sleepy idiot, I tried my best to return Mr. Bolt to a normal hair color. The end of the evening wound up with a little party going on in Moose's room and Bolt with semi-dark brown hair. Hey, its' better than black, I say.

So now I sit here in a lawn chair - my chair has been taken by a visitor, don't mind though - writing to all y'all. You know what I have to be so thankful for? MY sister. I mean, my goodness, she is starting tho show me through her words and encouragement how much she has God in her heart. I remember there was a time where I was so unsure if her mind was going to change, but alas this summer, God got her and he got her good. Our relationship has gone to a whole new level because we can talk about how trusting in God isn't always the easiest, but admit that it is infinitely better than the other choice. Just as I was feeling my worst, she told me last night to snap out of it. Her words were... my goodness, it was so awesome. I can't begin to explain how happy that conversation made me.

And for those who understand what I mean: I promise, I'm trying to sing again.

2002-10-24T17:34:00.000-05:00

I'm not about to jump on the wagon to start bashing or supporting the chapel speaker because, honestly, I don't really care at the moment. Everyone is entitled to their opinions and I've heard people who are really disappointed and others who have truly been hit by some of the stuff that he's said (as shocked as some of you may be).

You know what really disturbed me? I was falling asleep for my nap this afternoon - yes, my actions scream of a person who never let go of kindergarten, but so what? - and just as I was falling asleep, I was thinking. Yeah, I know, I think a lot. Well, I talk a lot too. But the fact is, I guess our defenses are down when were so intent on slumber and I found myself thinking something that I wasn't ready to admit. Truth is, I'm feeling really far from God which is not that big of a stretch, because it's not the first I've felt that way. But what I realized next was that I'm not in the mood to do anything about it. Why do I feel this way? Well, there's a list of things but I can't try and console myself that all Christians feel like this from time to time. It just really bothered me that the thought crossed my mind that I am just in the mood to give up this train of thought, of living for God when my life feels fairly stupid. Are we supposed to let these things run their course? Because, really, I have no idea what to do.

2002-10-24T10:14:00.000-05:00

I've had a knot in my shoulder/neck area for at least a day and it's driving me absolutely mad. I tried tylenol, it didn't work; I have an ice pack on it and all I feel is now cold and pain. Any suggestions?

Hmm, another thought... why is Fall Fest now being referred to as Autumnfest? I must say it sounds nicer (I've always preferred 'Autumn' over 'Fall', one of those weird Samantha things), but why change tradition?

And why do I ask so many questions to a computer?

2002-10-23T16:37:00.000-05:00

All I ever seem to read in the newspaper is the most interesting looking thing on the front page and the cartoons. After I'm done, I'm left with this huge amount of wasted paper that I have no interest in. I mean, really, why in the world would I want to learn about the 'Angels Slaying the Giants' or how 'October is a time for pumpkin'; I'm sure the second is quite interesting for Miss McClellan, but me? Yeah, whatever.

The entire situation with the Washington Area sniper is incredibly sad and scary, though. The jerk actually wrote a note to the police saying that not even kids are safe. Why would anyone, even a psycho, want to hurt children? What worries me is that the authorities don't seem any closer to getting this person than they were from the beginning and all people can do around there is live in fear. Added to that, there are going to be some disgruntled people who see that the police can't find this guy and they'll get the idea that they'll be safe enough to carry this out on their own. If they don't catch him, who's to say no one else will follow in his steps?

*It was right about here that I had a rant going on about how we don't take responsibility of our own problems, but after editing it twice, I finally decided to take it out. Am I afraid of offending anyone? Definitely. Was the rant not well thought out? Very likely. Then again, that is the essence of a rant, just bursting forth with angry words without thinking and being much sorry for it later. Thank God for the editing option, because I stopped my stupidity before anyone could read it. At least I hope so.*

2002-10-22T18:18:00.000-05:00

I really don't have anytyhing interesting to say today.

I woke up, ate lunch, worked on stuff, went to work(where I worked on my stuff), ate dinner and came back. Of course there was more to it than that, but it wasn't terribly unique. School does start tomorrow, however, and I'm all set to do my genetics homework. Kind of weird, really, I actually understand the chapter this time.

Life isn't a peach, but it's not complete crap either, so I guess it can be said that things are all right.

2002-10-20T21:53:00.000-05:00

So dream a little dream for me
In hopes that I'll remain
And cry a little cry for me
So I can bear the flames
And hurt a little hurt for me
My future is so bold
But my dreams are not the issue here
For Thee the hammer holds
This task before me may seem unclear
But it my Maker holds
-Bebo Norman

:) I had quite the interesting day. I started off by helping out at children's church at Hope Fellowship, though it was my first time and I had no idea what I was doing. Afterwards, I had lunch with friends at their apartment and arrived in my room to find many a messages, one of which from a friend who wanted to go for a drive. Drive where, you ask? Anywhere. So I jumped in the car and we disappeared for nearly two and a half hours, exploring the East Texas countryside, some of which turned out to be quite nice. Upon returning, I went to dinner and a movie with another friend and that turned out to be another new experience. I remember there was a time where we wanted to do nothing but kill each other (okay, well, I wanted to kill him and he simply enjoyed tempting me to do so). Tonight, though, we enjoyed some good food, a good purging on my part (have I mentioned that I love my friends who let me fall apart on them and are there for me even when I'm a mess? I do.) and then a good movie (My Big Fat Greek Wedding - he actually liked it!).

And now I'm back listening to some awesome music, as cited above. These are the kind of days that you just have to smile at.

2002-10-19T21:06:00.000-05:00

Instant relief in one movie:

"Spasm! Spasm!"
"Happy - smile. Sad - frown. Use the corresponding face for the corresponding emotion."
"No, that was the old me. Feel guilty, swim in it until your fingers get all pruny."
-Meg Ryan as Kate in French Kiss

"A healthy person is someone who expresses what they feel - express, not repress."
"In that case, you must be one of the healthiest people alive."
-Meg Ryan and Kevin Kline (as Luc) in French Kiss

Oh, my goodness. I needed that tonight. : )

2002-10-19T18:30:00.000-05:00

Recovery is a slow thing.

I realized this all the more this afternoon because, though working at an activity center is a dirt easy job (I get paid to do homework, really), it gives me a lot of time to think and mull over stuff, which in my current situation isn't exactly a prosperous thing. There was a point where I finally hid under the desk, put my head on my knees and asked God to make the day go a little faster so I could go to sleep and forget everything for a little while.

It's not as bad as it was before, several weeks ago I was a wreck and now I can carry out the day quite normally most of the time. But then there are moments where it all hits me and I feel such an overwhelming sadness. I remember once I was going through a hard time and a friend told me that his mother always said to look in the first part of Psalms for comfort. I thought of that today when I saw my Bible and just wanted to cry, because it is this same person who has caused so much pain in my life. Should I be letting them obstruct me from God? No. Does that matter at some points? Not really. I'm just hoping the day will get better from here on out.

2002-10-18T15:10:00.000-05:00

why am i not napping?

You are an angel.

What legend are you?. Take the Legendary Being Quiz by Paradox

i actually like that one.

2002-10-18T14:50:00.000-05:00

Has there ever been a time in your life when you realize that everything is messed up (at least to you), but you know that somehow, God's hand is in it?

I'm very much experiencing that today. Not many know, but my personal life has been a sort of disaster zone this semester and some strange steps towards recovery were taken today. They seem awfully messed up to me, even a bit hurtful because I don't want to exactly experience it, but I have no doubt that the Lord is letting me go through it because things will be better in the end. He's certainly given me more strength then I could imagine, becuase given what's going on, the usual me would be throwing a fit. Instead I nod my head and say, "Well, that's the way it's gotta be" and walk away. Who knew the woman known for her dramatic rampages would be doing this. All the while I'm praying, yet again, that I'm not trying to lean on my own understanding and strength, for that stupidity will only lead me to a big slap in the face later.

Anyway, that's the complexing, attempting-to-be-deep thought of the day. I am a little giddy, however, because a good friend gave me a rose to make my day a little brighter. I wore it behind my ear around campus for a bit, wearing a big smile on my face and saying "isn't having good friends wonderful?" I have found that support and love can come from the most unlikely of places and I praise God that he has allowed so many wonderful people in my life, while weeding out those that would only form an obstacle on my path with him.

Let the praise be to the Lord. Amen.

2002-10-18T01:19:00.000-05:00

It had been an incredibly quiet night around here. I have two tests in the morning (Romans and Comp Morph) that I'm praying that I'll study enough for. As it is, my brain is filling a little full, so I decided to take a break.

Tonight was kind of strange as well and I'm asking God a lot why I'm reacting to certain situations in the fashion that I am. I've had to stop and question myself and see if the strength I'm drawing on is me fooling myself, or if God is taking care of things for me without me realizing it (or asking for it, for that matter). The conundrum is that if I am trying to take care of it myself, I know I'll just crash later and feel dumb for trying to take on something that was too big for me. If it is God... then, wow, he's freaking me out on how on top of things he is. Am I hiding or am I letting God control what's going on? Anyone else felt this way?

Eh, I have to stop thinking about it and let things be. Besides, I'll have plenty of time to think about it this weekend after my tests are done. Hope all goes well for your fall break, all LU people.

2002-10-16T21:28:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I really want to be something other than I am. I was riding around my roommate's car tonight (we visited good ol' walmart and *yum* the marble slab) with Switchfoot blaring in my ears and the sunroof open. I stuck my hands out and just played with the wind, singing along with the men. I closed my eyes and forgot for just a little while all the crap that surrounds being a human. For a few brief moments, God and I were at peace. I wasn't fighting him, I was just rejoicing in his evening and the sounds of music of people who love him. I've felt for so long that I've been putting on a face for everyone, but all that is beginning to change, it's actually a change that's been occuring in the past couple of months. It's difficult to hand things over to the Lord, but maybe it's just better to sink into his grace and take a chance that he's got things figured out for us already.

Too bad I'll wake up tomorrow morning and have to learn this all over again.